Dear Scale: You're Fired

Disclaimer: One of my challenges to myself with this blog is to avoid self-editing. This is different from a journal in that I know people are reading my thoughts, challenges, successes, etc. In the back of my mind, I want to avoid people who don't know me from judging me, people I do know from criticizing me, and close family and friends knowing some deeply personal things. On the other hand, I want this to be very real because it's first and primary objective  is to help ME reach my goal. So what you are about to read is a long-standing, deep-rooted struggle for me that I need to end.

I need to end my battle with my scale. I am in control of the battle and the only one who has kept it going is me. Up until now, my scale has had the power to turn my day into a great day or a terrible day. To pinpoint me as a failure or to grant me victory. I tell myself that my scale is my accountability partner. It tells me when I'm on track or when I'm too slack. And this isn't a new thing. This unhealthy relationship with the scale goes back to when I was 6 or 7 years old - seriously. As an overweight kid, my mom was really concerned about my weight. Her concern was out of love - she only wanted me to be happy and healthy - but in her attempts to help me, I developed a major complex about my weight and the scale. She would have me weigh myself in front of her each morning for a long, long time. I remember one morning when I was probably only about 7, before I went to weigh in with her, I cut my own hair - from underneath so no one would notice - thinking that might help me to drop some weight so I could be "successful" in my weigh in. Other times I would spit into a cup for 10-15 minutes - again, trying anything and everything I knew to try, as a 7 year old, to drop weight. As I got older, my efforts to trick the scale only got more serious. Even now, I have major OCD behaviors around the scale - I weigh myself 3 times and take the average. I won't brush my teeth before I check my weight because there might be extra water in my mouth afterwards. The scale has to be a specific number of inches from the wall. While my obsessive behaviors might not be physically dangerous anymore, they are emotionally dangerous and mentally manipulative. This relationship with the scale threatens my long term weight loss success.

I have been off detox following Low-GI guidelines for 4 full days now. I've exercised every single day. I feel great. My clothes fit looser. My face looks thinner. I have more energy. People are noticing a difference. This morning, excited about the difference I am seeing and feeling, I decided to check my weight - even though I know I shouldn't. Scale says: You suck. You're fat. You're ugly. You're failing. You can't do this. Stop trying. It's not working. You've gained 4.5 lbs.

That feeling I woke up with of feeling great - feeling smaller - clothes fitting better - was instantly stolen by my ugly silver friend that taunts me in the corner of my bathroom - the perfect 6.5 inches from the wall. What the scale also told me, that I ignored, is that my body fat % was down a full 1% and my body water percentage was up 1.5%. But I chose to ignore that. My scale redeemed itself and told me: Hey! Great job! You've lost fat but you've put a little of that water on after detox. When you added back in peanut butter, cheese and some grains, we are holding on to a little bit of that 12.5 lbs of water that you lost during detox but you're still losing fat! That's why your jeans feel better! Keep it up.

Unfortunately, all I see is the pounds. And I'm devastated. I drive to work feeling like a failure. Feeling like my effort is worth nothing. Feeling like I have to write a blog that says I've failed. So I text my dear friend and coach Lydia - it goes a little something like this:

• E: Panicking! Gained weight! But body fat down. So upset!
• L: You need to be checking inches, not weight. Your body is adjusting after detox
• E: Yeah, but I have to blog about this!
• L: Great! Blog about how you're feeling - the scale is deceiving. Step away from the scale!
• E: I'm afraid

I've created a monster - in myself. A monster that can't feel successful without the numbers on the scale behind me. And I'm gonna kill that f*cking monster. It won't happen in a day, a week or a month, but I'm gonna do it. So these weekly weigh ins I do here are going to be more about measurements, about body fat, about the way I feel and the way my clothes are fitting and less about the numbers on the scale. I have to break this unhealthy cycle. I wish I could tell you that I'm going to greet my scale with a sledgehammer when I get home tonight, but I'm not there yet :)