Take Captive Every Thought

Thanks to my dear friend Michelle, I've been thinking a lot lately about my thoughts and words and their power in my life. I think we are all familiar with the phrase "You become what you think about all day long" (which might imply that I should be a bowl of ice cream.....) And though I'm not said bowl of ice cream, I am a person largely (no pun intended) controlled by food.

My life is consumed with thoughts driven by shame, anger and frustration about my weight. Thoughts, words and fears of failure and defeat. Where has that gotten me....?

A month or so ago I said I was going to stop all negative self talk for 90 days. I'm gonna go ahead and say that venture didn't turn out so well. I didn't decide to give up, I just sort of forgot about the challenge and went about thinking and talking as I normally do. But I"m really interested to see just how things might change if I change the way I think about myself. So I'm going to put a note to myself on my desk at work and in my car as a reminder to "take captive every thought". It won't be easy to completely re-wire my brain but I'm going to make it a very intentional focus.

What is the tape you play in your head about yourself, your life, your marriage or your job? Do you think its impacting your life? Maybe you'll join me in seeing what happens when we switch out the tape.

Today's Choices

What you do today dictates who you are tomorrow. I saw that on twitter today and it kinda made me freak out a bit. It made me think of how my grandmother used to warn me that if I made funny faces my face would freeze that way. It used to make me stop in my tracks and wonder what life would be like if I permanently had my tongue sticking out and my eyes crossed (I'm thinkin' that wouldn't be a great look...)

But what if today's habits were frozen in time as our habits for the rest of our earthly lives? Well, if it was based on today, I can tell you I wouldn't be very happy. I'd oversleep every day and go without eye makeup. I'd not get things accomplished at work because I'd spend the day cleaning and organizing my office. I'd never eat breakfast. I'd never eat any fruits and vegetables (I hope Lydia doesn't read this - I had absolutely no fresh fruits or veggies today). I wouldn't read my Bible. I wouldn't make it to the gym. I'd eat dinner while standing at the counter.

Just as I breathe a sigh of relief because I know my habits aren't frozen in time I remember that they kinda are. That little twitter post I read today is so true: What you do today dictates who you are tomorrow. Sure, I can (and will) have a better day tomorrow. I'll wake up on time. I'll workout. I'll eat breakfast. I'll have balanced meals. I'll read my Bible. But I'll still wake up with the consequences of who I am today. I didn't make forward progress today. I didn't get closer to my goal today. My choices today create someone I don't want to be.

And I think that reminding myself that each choice I make reinforces either the woman I want to be or the woman I don't want to be. *sigh* I'm increasingly grateful that every new day bring a new opportunity to be better and stronger. Thank God!

Lack of Discipline

Hey guys! I hope if you're reading this you are in a sunnier part of the country! It is dreary and raining here for like the millionth day in a row! Bring on the sunshine please!!!

So I wanted to write really honestly here for a minute. I've probably said this before, but it's on my heart again tonight - this journey really isn't about weight loss. Do I need to lose weight? Um, yeah. Big time. But that isn't my primary goal. It always has been, but its not anymore. Everyday my goal is to be a more whole, more balanced, more Christian, God-loving, God-fearing woman. Right now, one of my biggest struggles on that journey is discipline. I have a selective, but broad, lack of discipline. It is on my heart to be more disciplined in my words, my actions and my thoughts. Obviously, a big way in which my lack of discipline manifests is over-eating.

In the past 10 years or so, I've tried to attack this lack of discipline a million different ways: starvation diets, purging, compulsive exercise, the list goes on and on. But recently, when feeling really overwhelmed so many areas of my life that I feel need improvement, I had a moment of clarity. A moment where I realized that if I just focused on one thing, all of these pieces could fall in to place. That I didn't need to constantly feel so fragmented - like nothing ever got 100% of my effort and I was always failing. I realized that if I focus my heart, mind and energy on wildly pursuing Jesus, that all these other facets of life would likely fall in to step.

The past couple weeks have been emotionally challenging for me. There is a lot going on and I'm faced with uncertainty and straight-up fear. Tonight, with the pouring rain making me feel even more down, I decided to turn off the TV and open my bible. I've been reading through the New Testament and I felt drawn to open to the book of Hebrews. After reading for a few minutes I was struck by this passage: "No discipline feels pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. Make level paths for your feet so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed" (Hebrews 12: 11-13).

Um - speaking to me much??? That was exactly where my mind was when I opened up my Bible tonight. Between that passage and Hebrews 2:18 "Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted", I just feel so encourage, inspired and renewed tonight.

Maybe you feel torn. Maybe you feel like there isn't enough of yourself to give to all that requires your attention. You cannot walk forwards, backwards and to the side at the same time. Identify your most basic objective and walk confidently in that direction. Everything else will fall in to place.

UnProcrastination Day

Hi guys!

So I was reading a blog the other day that talked about having an unprocrastination day. What's that, you ask? Well - I don't know about you but I have a good long list of things that always get bumped for more important things. The things I should do but never seem to get done. They are important but not critical. So I am going to make this Saturday my "UnProcrastination Day". I'm going to do all those things that I keep putting off. I definitely need to have one of those days at work, too. We'll see how Saturday goes and maybe I'll have an UnProcrastination Day at work next week. Here's what Saturday's UnProcrastination Day list looks like:

• Vacuum my car
• Clean out the cabinets in the master bathroom
• Get some decorative, yet organizational boxes or baskets for the top of my vanity
• Finish clearing out the boxes in at least one of our two vacant bedrooms (I'm ashamed to admit that this means putting up the Christmas tree that was moved to one of these rooms instead of taken down properly)
• Buy a binder to organize coupons (I'm going to give couponing a try - why not?)

If you had an "UnProcrastination Day" - what would it look like?

Farmer's Market and Growing Your Own

I LOVE the farmer's market. And Greensboro has one of the best farmer's markets ever!! I could seriously go to their every day and never get tired of it. It makes healthy eating so much more affordable - and healthy! So many organic options - fresh fruits and veggies and most of them are local! Yesterday I got a big bucket of strawberries, several fresh heirloom tomatoes and a bunch of brussell sprouts! I'm trying to decide if I want to grill the brussel sprouts tonight or later in the week.

It totally made me wish I grew my own food. I was thinking about getting some plants but I tend to kill everything I try to grow. I'd love to do just tomatoes, basil and cilantro....definitely my three faves! Any advice out there for someone with a history of killing plants? I would be so stoked to successfully grow a few things this year.

Appetite and Emptiness

I've finished the book "Made to Crave". I highly recommend it. Two phrases really stuck with me. "When my heart feels empty, my stomach picks up on it". "Satan wants to keep us distracted by chasing one temporary filling after another".

I eat when I'm not hungry. I'm not driven to eat ice cream and oreos because I'm ravenously hungry. But at times I have an unquenchable appetite for these things. Since it's not driven by my empty stomach, I'm trying to evaluate what other types of emptiness I'm trying to fill with food. At a cursory glance, there is nothing glaringly wrong in my life that I can blame for this emptiness. I think it is years of wrong programming - years of not dealing with the normal, healthy, occasional emptiness that comes in difficult seasons of life. I just let Satan convince me to avoid emotional triggers and silence them with food.

In paying attention to these triggers that make me want to dive into a bag of cookies, I think I'll also need to embrace emptiness and pain. I'll have to allow myself to feel these voids so that I can fill myself up with healthy things. To address this emotional and spiritual emptiness. To face temptation and instead of bemoaning deprivation, embrace sacrifice. Embrace sacrifice that I'm willing to make in order to gain something much more worthwhile.

Finding the Positive

So yesterday I was feeling frustrated about my accommodations here on this business trip. The fitness center in the hotel is laughable and has very limited hours. Their is no "room service" but for a pizza place and italian joint down the road which deliver. There are no grocery stores or restaurants within walking distance.

But I'm determined to make this work. This morning I got up and walked/jogged on the treadmill for 40 minutes before heading to the hotel's continental breakfast. They make eggs "to order" but won't make an egg white omelet. I got the next best thing - a regular omelet with tomatoes and green peppers and a plate of "fresh" fruit.

After a sketchy and overpriced cab ride to the event facility I noticed a Chipotle a couple of blocks from where I was headed. So after my sessions I walked over there and got two salads - one for lunch and one for dinner and called the cab to come pick me up. (True confession - while waiting for the cab I stopped by Starbucks and got a hot Chai tea).

I'm back to my room now (which fortunately has a mini fridge to keep my dinner cold) and I'm about to head down to the "gym" again to get in another little workout. The great thing about traveling alone is that I can take this evening down time for myself. I'm trying to do a lot of reading, a lot of stretching, a lot of sleeping and whatever else I think my body and mind need.

On the Road

Hey guys -

So - my routine is switched up a little bit this week - I'm in New Jersey for a tradeshow. I flew up here this afternoon and I'll head home Wednesday night. A few little kinks have been thrown at me already:

• The gym here SUCKS and my hotel isn't in an area that's really safe to walk or jog around. The "gym" has no weights - just a treadmill and a bike. I'll make it work, but I'm really disappointed.
• There is no room service. Seriously. And there are NO restaurants around here except for a pizza place. Their "room service" is an Italian restaurant down the street. Fortunately, I brought a few protein bars and the Italian place has salads. Again - major disappointment.

But, that's the way it is. I'll make it work. In order to help me stay on track, I wrote out a schedule for tomorrow - what I'll do when, where I'll be and what I'll eat. If it's not on the plan - I won't eat it. I'll have time to workout tomorrow morning and I'll probably have time to work out again in the evening which will hopefully make up for the lack of ideal food situation. I should have brought some tuna packets but I didn't because the last time I went out of town I didn't eat them. But, I guess it's better to be over-prepared than under-prepared. I won't make that mistake again.

Hope you guys have a great week!